listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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