OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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