Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
