I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
