If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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