Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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