I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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