$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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