she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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