cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
