After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
