I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
