If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
