Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
