And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
