are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
