it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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