Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
