you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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