the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
