Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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