So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
