This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
