he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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