She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
