Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
