I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
