i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
