I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
