I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
