i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
