either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
