You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
