What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
