dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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