I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
