i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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