HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
