I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
