people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
