Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
