So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
