Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
