when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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