i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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