It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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