there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
