New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
