Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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