Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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