gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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